” It is an awful thing to be betrayed by your body. And its lonely, because you feel you cant talk about it. You feel it’s something between you and the body. You feel its a battle you will never win .. and yet you fight it day after day, and it wears you down. Even if you try to ignore it, the energy it takes to ignore it will exhaust you.”
– David Levithan
As young girls growing into woman we aspire to become our own person, with our own plans and our own goals. We want to do things our own ways and become the woman we have always envisioned to be – but sometimes things don’t always go as planned.
From as far back as I can remember there has always been a silent yet fierce constant comparison between young girls/woman.
Public school consisted of who had a better sense of style, which realistically meant whose parents had more money. Which girls could get the “hottest” guys – this ranked your popularity for most of grade school. How you hair was cut and styled, who you hung around, how much skin you were willing to show, how skinny you were – all these things would define you the people you had to spend the next several years with. It was like this constant check list that you had to go over and over in you head just to become socially accepted. I’m sure to some checking off the list came rather easy, but I can personally say that to me – it did not.
It became this obsession – an obsession that I not only couldn’t keep up with but also an obsession that I didn’t want to be obsessing over.
Fast forward 15 years later – my small obsessions have grown into an abundance of negative battles against addictions and phobias. These are battles that you can fight against day in and day out and never come out ahead. These are battles you are fighting against with yourself – your mind. There is an evil within your innocence that you cannot control.
My life has been affected in more negative ways than I can count all because of these thoughts, obsessions, phobias and addictions – I can’t control. I think the hardest part of facing these daily battles is that you’re truly doing it alone. Its like anything, no one can truly understand the depth of it all unless they have worn the same shoes or in this case fought the same battle. People say – I get it, I get you! Followed by you’re beautiful – smart – fit … etc … etc. You don’t get it.
You don’t get the days where I say I have nothing to wear – isn’t me saying I have no clothes, it’s me saying today I can’t find anything thats makes me feel beautiful and confident. You don’t get it when I say I don’t want to go to that social event we’ve had planned for months or go do simple things – it isn’t me being selfish and boring, its that today I can’t face myself so how an I suppose to face the world.
You don’t get the goals I set and constantly talk about but never seem to reach – it isn’t me being lazy or just talking the talk, it’s me being so hyped by my own goals that i’m paralyzed with the thoughts of failing and not being good enough.
You don’t get that the thoughts I try to talk about and express to you – isn’t me looking for compliments and reassurance, its me hoping that maybe with one word I speak somehow for a moment I will feel understood.
You don’t get the fear I face and the stupidity I feel from my own thoughts that I can’t control.
You don’t get that I am aware the worries, obsessions, phobias and addictions I face have ruined my life for many years.
You don’t get the battles within my mind, the negativity that I fight day after day – you just see me defeated and negative.
You don’t get why I just cant brush it off put on my big girl pants and tell myself everything is going to be alright. You don’t get it because you haven’t lived it – and that’s okay. But don’t tell them you get it, when you can begin to comprehend what she faces.
To be completely honest I truly don’t understand it fully myself, I just know what i’m living. I try to break down my life in sequences in order to attempt to pin point where exactly this all started – but it’s all I know. I have accepted this as apart of me as debilitating as it may be. The more I fight against it the harder it gets. It’s exhausting, mentally draining and completely defeating. I am trapped inside myself – knowing where I wanna be and the things I want to do and the person I have longed to become but always being stopped by this evilness within me. It gets lonely, the world becomes a lonely place. You’re surrounded by so much yet it feels like so little, because you can’t relate to anyone in the ways the rest of the world does.
I would never say i’m worthless or not confidant or any less of a woman than the woman whom surround me. I just have to fight a constant fight, every single day against myself. I am constantly betrayed by mind and body – I struggle daily.
I’m not weak – in fact I would think i’m stronger than some.
I’m not empty – I am full of the most gentle, honest, kind and caring love.
” In a world obsessed with appearance it is not surprising that body dysmorphic disorder, or BDD — an emotionally painful obsession with perceived flaws in one’s appearance — has manifested itself as a troubling and relatively common problem for many individuals.”
– Dr. Katherine A. Phillips
Imagine waking up wanting so much more than your self will allow. You still face the day and continue the routine of your everyday life, by the end of the day you are mentally and emotionally exhausted with in yourself – you have no positive energy or emotions left to give. You become internally miserable all while trying to keep it together and create happiness for yourself. You’re irritable and worn down. You can’t wait for the day to end because you always hope for a better tomorrow.
Now imagine doing that every – single – day. Facing this evilness that just won’t go away – no matter how hard you try.
I am loved by the kindest man, and I have everlasting love to give back to him — My heart is so full — but I live in fear. I am afraid of the things I obsess over and I’m obsessed with the things that bring me fear. The circle is large and the circle is vicious.
I have good days and I have bad days. I have ups and I have downs.
It’s okay to not always be okay, that doesn’t make us any less entitled to everything that is offered to us.
Just because I have accepted this as my way of life for as long as I can remember – doesn’t mean I have given up, doesn’t mean that everyday I wake up I don’t try harder than the last.
Everyday I become stronger than yesterday, every negative thought I aim to create a positive plan. Its a full time job within itself and its a battle that I may face but a challenge I have accepted.
Healing takes time, and even longer when its done alone.
We all have our battles and struggles, just because yours isn’t the same as mine – just because you cant make sense of my evil doesn’t make my struggle any less than yours and it certainly doesn’t make me any less of a person. I am not weak – I’m just still figuring it out ✌🏽❤
” The strongest actions for a woman is to love herself, be herself and shine amongst those who never believed she could.”
– Unknown
she who blogs 
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